Friday, 20 October 2017

Moving from Pleaser to Rebel to Lover


Most Indians have grown up in a culture that has trained them to meet the expectations of others, to keep everyone happy by toeing the line, by worshiping at the shrine of Social Approval. At school you should be respectful, keep your head down, butter up the powerful teachers, get sentimental about your school, and say the things everyone wants you to say. You have to get good marks in your tenth standard exams, get your name on some kind of Topper’s List, get into the Science stream in Junior College, and then of course move into Engineering or if you’re REALLY smart, Medicine. Well, maybe MBAs are okay too. Everything else is substandard and a disappointment to your family.

If you’re a woman, you should spend most of your time at home, make sure you’re not seen alone with a guy, and don’t try anything too far out of what most Indian girls do. After all, what will people say? At the right age, you must find the right spouse to marry (fair, earning a large salary, from the same community as yourself) and spend the right amount of money on your wedding because that is what the God of Social Approval demands. Let your parents decide for you because Indian Culture. Get the kind of house and job that everyone in your world expects. Have your two children (one boy and one girl) and leave them with their grandparents because that’s what everyone does now. If you dutifully do all that this god demands, you will be rewarded by the love and approval of the world in general.

It may not look exactly like this for every family or culture. There are variations. But usually you should conform to the things that your family and culture cares about. You should have their prejudices, hate the people they hate, mock the things they mock. The same thing happens at school, at college, in church, in your established social circles. Don’t rock the boat. Be a Pleaser. Say the things that make people happy. Fulfil their expectations. That’s what makes you a good daughter, a dutiful son. Pleasers struggle with anxiety, right? Because you are constantly striving to win the approval of everyone, because everyone has an opinion about your life, and if you want their love, you have to win it by heeding their advice. You lose your sense of identity and self-worth as you desperately try to keep everyone in your life happy, and fail anyway.



If you don’t conform, if you choose a career or lifestyle very different from your family, get married too early or too late, have more than two children, marry someone from the wrong community, have an odd hobby or interest, choose to homeschool, convert to a different religion, or support the wrong political party, you will face the consequences. The God of Social Approval will take his revenge—you will be criticized, rejected, ostracized, gossiped about, and held up as an example.

This society and culture is a perfect recipe for the creation of a generation of Rebels. The Rebels have had enough. They reject people-pleasing with such vigour, that they will go out of their way to make sure they don’t accidentally please the older generation. They reject everything to do with tradition and traditional morality, and the religion of their forefathers, and they burn the idols of Social Approval in public at every chance they get. They’ll share posts that often seem defensive or reactionary- ‘Love yourself first!’, ‘Haters gonna hate!’, ‘Nobody puts Baby in a corner!’, ‘You do you!’, ‘Buy those shoes! Go on that trip! Pamper yourself!’ and will applaud and support everything that challenges the way things were. Rebels will usually identify as agnostics or atheists (perhaps because the expectations of old were usually connected with religion).



Rebels get to taste the freedom of doing their own thing, and boy, it tastes sweet. Sometimes it means leaving your city or your country, starting anew far from family in a more private culture where nobody knows you and nobody cares what you do with your life. Sometimes it means always being in fighter mode, ready to defend your choices, and show people why you’re right. It can be pretty tiring to live life as a rebel.

Or sometimes the Rebels have stopped defending themselves or their choices. You just quietly live your life on your own terms and just stop caring what the aunties said about you. Maybe you stop caring about everything except what you feel like doing at any given moment. Eat that donut. Flirt with that guy. Read that erotic novel. Take what you want. Go on that expensive vacation. Nobody has the right to judge you. The New God is You.

[Sometimes Rebels aren’t real rebels - you leave one form of people-pleasing for another. Instead of the older generation of your family, you are now trying to win the approval of your new social circle who have pretty stringent rules about what a rebel can and can’t do. Rebels must be down with party culture, with getting drunk, with sexually permissive behaviour (or are they really rebels?). Rebels may not associate themselves with any one traditional religion. (Cults, communes, new age practises are all okay though.) Rebels must not believe in objective morality. Rebels must laugh at anything associated with tradition. These rebels may reach the same state as the Pleasers of feeling stifled and inauthentic, forced to follow arbitrary rules. And then maybe they re-rebel, and choose to stop caring about those rules too.]

Often real rebels reach a point in their life where they have to question whether ME is a satisfactory or worthy god. Maybe you find that ‘you doing you’, an untrammeled life, free of any expectations or restrictions or demands didn’t bring the satisfaction it promised. And that’s when you get to choose what foundation you want to build your life on.

I propose today a new identity for the Pleasers and the Rebels. And that identity is based on a foundation of Love and Truth. No longer must you do things because that’s what is expected of you. No longer must you do things just because they’re NOT expected of you. Set down your cudgels. You don’t have to please everyone, neither do you have to challenge or convince everyone. Even better, you no longer have to worship at the shrine of the changeable, fickle and selfish god of You. You are hereby set free.

Instead you may choose the Real God—the God of love and truth. There are real demands when you choose this God, but not demands that crush you or drain you of your identity. Instead, you are simultaneously set free from your own ego, and are transformed (slowly) into your truest self.

Pope John Paul II said “Love places demands on us. Modern culture says that anything that places demands on us limits our freedom. “How can I be free if I have responsibilities? How can I be free if I have obligations to others?” However, we become most alive when we live for others. Anyone who has fallen in love knows they are most alive when they have given themselves completely and exclusively to the one they love; forgoing all other loves. Love brings inner freedom.


What does this new life look like? It is not marked primarily by ‘doing your own thing’. Instead it is response to each situation with the question ‘What is the wise, truthful and loving thing for me to do?’ It is no longer a reaction to people’s expectations. People may applaud your choices, or they may criticize them, but that is no longer the defining or weightiest factor in your decisions. Mother Teresa didn’t start serving the poor on the streets of Kolkata because she knew that would make people look up to her. She did it because she heard God calling her to do it. She did not stop doing it because people accused her of corruption and ulterior motives. She instead gave one of the wisest and most peace-filled responses I have ever heard: “People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway… In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” She was a Lover par excellence.


A Lover can live a sacrificial life without resentment. A Lover can draw healthy boundaries and stick to them without anger, fear, or guilt. A Lover can be open to reconsidering old opinions in the light of love and truth. A Lover can both respect and love the members of their family without having to agree with everything they believe. A Lover can choose to treat people who identify as LGBTQ with love and respect, and yet not support same-sex marriage, which will most likely make both sides mad at them. They can make counter-cultural choices not because they are counter-cultural but because they believe they are doing what is right. They can choose the truth of the Church, and still call out the crap they see in the human structures that are part of the Church.

Let go of people-pleasing and rebellion. Neither will bring you true peace or freedom. Choose instead the God of love, and become a Lover.

Wednesday, 11 October 2017

The Catholic Guide to Movie-Watching


“Would you eat chocolate if it had a little poop in it?”

“Ewww! No!”

“Then why would you watch movies with even a little bit of sin in them? If Catholics are watching all the same movies as everyone else, how can we think we are any different?”

Thus goes an argument for boycotting all movies that have any depiction of sin in any form. Unfortunately this leaves the viewers with practically no movie options, except for perhaps saint movies, kid’s movies and movies from before the 1980s (and even those are not exempt from the ‘sin’ criteria). It also almost implies that we shouldn't be friends with those who sin (which again is everyone), rather than seeing there is good and bad in most people (and movies), and we may need better criteria for choosing movies (and friends).

On the other hand, this is how the pro-all movies, anti-censorship Catholic movie watchers argue: “It is not what goes into a man but what comes out of him that defiles him. Just because you watch a movie with sinful characters doesn’t mean YOU are going to go out and start murdering people, and dealing drugs, and stealing paintings. Plus, Catholics aren’t called to live in a bubble. It makes us irrelevant to the rest of the world when we don’t have the slightest connection with the culture of everyone else.”

Both sides have a point. Watching every crappy movie that comes out influences you whether you admit it or not. We become what we consume. So I don’t fault people who almost never watch movies as a way to avoid the pitfalls of senseless consumption of media. At the same time, there are so many good movies that spark discussion and thought and even change that I refuse to condemn all movie watching.

So where do you draw the line? The Vatican has not come out with a List of Movies that are Acceptable for Catholics to Watch. Even though some people would love that, Jesus and His Church leave many matters to our prudential judgment. So how do you make that judgment? Are all movies no big deal? Or are there some movies we should avoid if we are trying to stay close to God? How do you decide which they are? I don’t have foolproof answers. But I can offer you some helpful guidelines that I have picked up over the years of trying to live in the world, and yet not be of the world.

Have you done your research? Before switching on a movie, look it up. You can choose what you put it your mind. Once it’s in there it’s a lot harder to get it out. Look up Decent Films, movie reviews by a Catholic film critic, Stephen Greydanus. He gives ratings for artistic/entertainment value, as well as moral/spiritual value. Look at the plot overview. Most likely it will give you enough clues about what to expect. If the premise itself is ridiculous (look up the description for the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights for example), why go there?

Does this movie glorify sinful or unhealthy lifestyles, blur the lines between good and evil, or glamorize evil? One of the movies I most regret watching as a teenager was American Pie. Crude, ugly, provocative and pointless. When I was a teenager, FRIENDS was extremely popular. (Yes, I’m that old.) It was a consistently witty and often heart-warming show where the characters begin to feel like our friends. But how many of us began to laugh off the casual sex, the irresponsible behaviour, the selfishness, and the short-lived romantic relationships as lovable quirks? You can’t avoid the truth of the existence of sin, but when sin becomes something amusing, then you know you’ve lost the sense of sin. It’s a gradual and almost invisible shift in our perspective.

How do you feel after watching certain kinds of movies? Empty, sad, depressed? A lot of romantic comedies can be used just as an unsatisfying escape from real life, making us fixate on an unrealistic ideal, and making us less and less satisfied with our off screen lives. Pope John Paul II talked about this desire to escape: "Faced with problems and disappointments, many people will try to escape from their responsibility: escape in selfishness, escape in sexual pleasure, escape in drugs, escape in violence, escape in indifference and cynical attitudes. But today, I propose to you the option of love, which is the opposite of escape."

Does the movie use sex scenes or love scenes just to ramp up sexual tension? Sometimes a movie implies that someone slept with someone else, and that’s part of the storyline. But you can tell when the movie makers are using the scene to ‘to plunge the viewer into a heightened state of awareness’ as Alanna Boudreau put it in her blog on the same topic. Most likely, watching overly sensual scenes just makes it a little harder for you to avoid selfishness and lust creep into the expression of your sexuality. Sometimes though the movie is good enough to fast forward your way through the few bits like that.

Is there anything true, good, or beautiful in the movie? Some stories have no explicit reference to God, and yet they reveal Him, or point to Him because everything that is good, true or beautiful come from Him and point back to Him. Themes of self-sacrifice, courage, selfless love, transformation and perseverance come out in any well-told human story and point us to who we really are and what we were made for. I really loved the transformation story in Blood Diamond, for example.

Are you engaging your mind when you watch a movie? A movie always has a message, but you can choose to agree or disagree with the message. I think it would often be very fruitful to talk about movies after watching them, rather than just consuming their messages as if they were Gospel truth. You can enjoy a movie, like the characters, see a lot of good in it, and still see the flaws. I think that’s a great approach when watching movies with kids too. Ask thought-provoking questions, and be willing to have honest discussions. Measure it up with what you know to be true. Look for truth, and look for lies, and talk about it.

How much time are you spending on movie-watching? Public confession- I have spent way too much of my life watching movies. It’s easier to watch life than to live it. It’s easier to applaud courage and love than to BE courageous and loving. It’s easier to get attached to and invested in fictional characters than the real life human beings around me. The people whom I admire the most watch very little TV. That’s because they’re busy LIVING their lives. I was already aware that too much TV was not good for me. But then I attended a retreat where the priest, a wise old Carmelite, showed us clearly the link between lukewarmness in prayer and too much media consumption (especially TV shows/serials or long duration entertainment as he put it), and it became pretty clear that I had to take a big step back. In the past month I’ve watched very little TV and I’ve found my mind clearer and more productive, my brain less distracted and jumpy.

Are you willing to make some changes? Get rid of movies that you know are bad for you. Make a decision about how often you are going to watch movies- once a week, twice a week? Decide to only watch movies with someone else, if that will help you to be accountable. It’s easier to forget all your standards when you’re alone and bored. Many years ago when my sister and I were becoming a little more serious about our faith and its implications to our daily lives, we started watching a movie together. It became clear pretty soon that there was no value to the movie, that it failed all the criteria for a good movie. In the past we would have just kept watching the movie, just because it was on, continuing to hope for redemption. But this time we looked at each other and said ‘Let’s just put it off’. And we did! Look for replacement activities to do when you're bored. Sketch, write, read, bake, write a letter, go for a walk.

Have you really brought this area to God? Ask Him to permeate every part of your life, including your leisure time. It’s too easy to compartmentalize, to ask God to wait in another room while I watch what I want to watch. But He wants to bring light into every dark corner. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your minds!

Usually after you’ve come to know more fully the beauty and truth of life in Christ, it’s much easier to see how shallow some movies are. I watched a LOT of movies as a teenager, and re-watched them as an adult. I was shocked at the crap I allowed into my mind, or that I thought was normal. But in Christ there is redemption! Living the Christian life is not about restrictive rules, but the freedom that comes from cutting out the crap and living more intentionally.

P.S. In case you’re interested, here are some movies from the top of my head that I’ve enjoyed (far from comprehensive list!):
Blood Diamond
The Martian
Wonder Woman
X-Men: Days of Future Past
The Scarlet and the Black
Lord of the Rings (all of them)
Moana
Groundhog Day
Saving Mr. Banks
The Great Escape
Casablanca
It Happened One Night
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Sound of Music
Hotel Rwanda
Pride and Prejudice (BBC mini series)
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
The Vow
About Time
Déjà Vu

Do you have any good movie recommendations?

Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Where's MY Person?


A couple of months ago I was going through one of those self-pity days, where it seems as if being single was the single most unfair fact of any person's existence (never mind terminal illnesses, deaths of loved ones, mental illness, or financial struggles).

I started complaining to the Lord, which is what I do, when I'm in a bad mood. "I have to do so much of travelling, up and down, dragging my heavy bags along, ALL ALONE. Couples are always looking out for each other. One can watch the bags while the other one goes to the loo. I have to drag all my bags into the stall with me."

"If someone is mean or annoying or upsetting or unfair, couples always have someone they can unload to, someone who is on their side no matter what."

"Couples always know there is someone who has their back. They know that no matter how their day goes, they go home to 'their person', who will sympathize and listen to them talk about the same stuff over and over again."

"And what about my future? I have to think about my future, make plans, and even dreams ALL ALONE. Couples get to do it together! They get to plan out their life as a team! What about ME? Where's MY person?"

I was practically in tears at this point, having convinced myself that wow, my life really did suck, and I was the most deprived and pitiable wretch that ever did live. I gazed into the future and it seemed bleak, a solitary figure plodding along, with no hope or joy or companionship.

And then came that still, small voice, that I rarely hear clearly because it's SO DARN LOUD inside my head. But I knew it was Him, because it was a voice of gentleness, tenderness and familiarity.

The Voice said: "Susanna, I'M your person."

That's all.

Clarity returned with a rush of rueful laughter.

Of course! WAS I alone all those times travelling? No, in fact, I sensed His presence even closer then, and every time I faced a travelling disaster, or even discomfort, He made his presence known. And anyway the real life couples that I knew didn't usually have those smooth travelling experiences that I imagined- they often had to travel by themselves, or juggling several young children and even more bags.

He always was there when I needed to unload (as I was doing at that very moment), and probably more so than any spouse could ever be. One of my friends told me her husband would often just fall asleep as she talked. Even the best husbands couldn't ALWAYS be constantly available.

He was ALWAYS on my side, even though He allegedly loved my 'enemies' as much as He loved me, I always knew I was His favourite. How many times had I run to Him furious, or anxious, or falling apart, or freaking out about something, and He held me, and calmed my fears, and put me back together?

My future was NOT alone and bleak- He had been walking with me so far, bringing different people, situations, and experiences into my life. I still hoped He would bring a husband, but even husbands can fail, or change, or leave, or die. He promised He never would. Not only did He walk with me, He sent me people who could laugh with me, and cry with me, and be my 'people' in a tangible ways when I needed them. I've never been part of a couple, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of human companionship. Why did I think that would change? It's so easy to buy into self-pity lies.

But now I choose to remember the truth, to write it, to fix it in my heart. The truth is that I already have my 'person'. And more than anyone else in this world, He's got my back.

Sunday, 1 October 2017

My Love-Hate Relationship with Facebook Comment Threads


I don’t know what it is, but as soon as I see an interesting/ thought-provoking/controversial headline or Facebook status, my eyes and my cursor are irresistibly drawn to the ‘Comment’ button.

“Don’t do it!” screams the rational and sane part of my brain, “You know what’s going to happen!” But like a teenage girl to an obsessive boyfriend, I just can’t/won’t stay away. Why do I do it?

My brain craves stimulation: A common INTJ problem. I just want to know what people are thinking and saying. I want to tickle my brain with more opinions, snarky retorts, and the answer to the question: ‘What does the general public think about this?’

I want someone to do my homework for me: A LOT of the time, I don’t actually want to read the article. But I do want to fact check, and I just know there will always be the Critic who will point out the obvious flaws or factual errors in the article or status. My assumption is that if no one challenges the statement, it’s probably true.

Morbid fascination: Sometimes I just KNOW it’s going to be bad. Any news article even slightly connected with the Catholic Church is going to have everyone with a (justified or ignorance-fuelled) grudge against the Catholic Church expressing their fury in no uncertain terms. Anything about Trump will have both the usual liberal Trump mockers, and the Trump supporters yelling pointlessly at each other. “Fake news! No other President has been treated so badly!” “You ignorant racist Trumpsters have brought this on us!” And I still I click on that button.

How has this Facebook comment fascination worked out for me? 

Facebook comments have sucked away hours of my life: Some of my friends who are wives and mothers keep talking about how much time they had when they were single, to exercise, to read, to create, to pray, to reach out. I agree in a non-committal way, trying hard to hide my guilty expression as I realize I’M SQUANDERING THE GOOD YEARS OF MY LIFE ON FACEBOOK COMMENTS.

I’m often left frustrated with the idiocy of vast swathes of humanity: It’s like entering a stadium and finding huge mobs of people screaming abuses at each other, while absolutely no one listens to anyone. But how much less of an idiot am I by choosing to be in that stadium at all? I could shout “Civil respectful dialogue! Try to listen to one another! STOP CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES!” but that’s as effective as parents yelling over their screaming children, “STOP YELLING! INSIDE VOICES!” (This is not only an online problem though. I realized today that I need to work on listening to understand, not talking to change someone’s opinion.)

This doesn’t help with my mission to love people: Facebook commenters are usually faceless voices. Well, they have faces, but I don’t notice them. Most people I know in real life are not plain good or bad, but a complicated mix of a lot of things. They are more than their opinions for sure. But on comment threads, they are nothing but opinions with names. So it’s easy for me to write them off, judge them, and close my heart to them. In real life though, I can see more of the WHOLE person. I got into a heated discussion with a couple of friends about Trump today, but most of our friendship has nothing to do with Trump. It’s harder to see on Facebook that most people are usually well-meaning with big blind spots, that they are PERSONS first, and as such, worthy to be loved in spite of their weaknesses. (And prayed for!)

Comment threads seem to bring out the worst in people: Commenters usually seem very defensive, offensive, or a scary mixture of the two. I can’t even imagine a real life exchange where people would use that many mean names, or make overt personal attacks.

But they also bring out the scary people: Sometimes people aren’t well-meaning. Sometimes they are mean, angry and violent. I’m going to make a leap, and guess that they may have psychological problems, traumatic or abusive childhoods, or an upbringing that encouraged hate speech and anger towards certain groups. They probably don’t have very fulfilling, balanced, joyful offline lives, and live much of their daily life fighting nasty battles online. This includes (but isn’t limited to) many extreme right-wing Indians who proudly defend a misogynistic, communal worldview or ideology. I find myself mumbling, “How is it possible that people really think like this?”

And mostly they bring out the people who can’t spell. What more can I say? How many times a day can one wince at a wrongly used ‘there’, ‘their’ or ‘they’re’? Let’s not even go into ‘its’ and ‘it’s’!

The reality of echo chambers is brought home: Because I’m a Catholic who believes in the importance of social justice issues as well as defending the truth of traditional morality, not to mention being pro-life in the defence of the unborn as well as every other marginalized and threatened life, I am caught in the middle of two very strongly opposing sides. I see on my Facebook feed very different opinions, news articles, and shared statuses. From these opposing sets of Facebook comment threads, it seems like there is some kind of weird broken reality, or an alternate universe where each side’s opinion makes perfect sense to them, each side is VERY sure they are right, and the other is completely wrong. Each group all seem to follow the same set of news articles and political or religious commenters, and simply echo what they say, reassuring themselves and each other that everyone with any sense believes the same thing.

So where is the love part of this love-hate relationship? 

You’re going to find this very hard to believe, but I have come across a very rare phenomenon- a balanced, thoughtful, respectful, and often funny set of comment threads. I’m talking about Simcha Fisher, a Catholic blogger and author. Not that there haven’t been some unpleasant moments (and a few rather rude commenters), but on the whole I have found that Simcha seems to have gathered a community of intelligent and thoughtful (if somewhat snarky) Catholics. There are usually heaps of anecdotes, often intelligent criticism or questions, and I leave these threads feeling edified and encouraged… even when I don’t agree with everyone. I know there will be at least one devil’s advocate to help a discussion move forward, and not just pointless name-calling or back-patting.

So is there a point to this post? 

Yes.

1. I need to swear off all Facebook comment threads.
2. Except the ones that edify me. '
3. And so should you.
4. Oh, and also, get off your darn phone and talk to some real life people! (Talking to you, Sue!)

Wednesday, 27 September 2017

My Dramatic Experience with Essential Oils


I come from a community where half the members are health nuts who love raw vegetables, avoid sugar, exercise regularly and medicate themselves and their families with nothing but garlic and essential oils. The other half eat junk food all the time, watch too many movies, and will never say no to meat or anything deep-fried. You can guess which half I belong to.


In spite of my unhealthy ways, I have one claim to natural health, and that is my little bottle of peppermint essential oil, that I carry everywhere. Peppermint oil has gotten me through the unbearable nausea of swerving roller-coaster bus journeys, not to mention blocked noses, colds and headaches.

A few months ago I was on holiday with my family and my two little nieces got sick. They were both nauseous and feverish, and as you may know, there is nothing more miserable than a sick child, apart from a sick child without her mother. The grandmother and this aunt did their best, but they were still pretty miserable. We gave them medicine, prayed with them, and tried to talk to them to get their minds off it. Then I remembered my peppermint oil.


“Do you want me to put a little peppermint oil on your temples? It helped me when I was nauseous in the past.”

They immediately agreed. (I think they would have agreed even if I had suggested an anti-nausea dance in the rain. They were desperate.)

I pulled out the bottle, and sine I had used it in the past, didn’t read the instructions. I dropped a few drops onto my niece’s hand, and then directed her to rub a bit on her temples and the back of her neck. I was pretty generous with the oil, thinking logically “More peppermint oil = more health and wellness.” My other niece used some too.

Within a few seconds all hell broke loose. Both my nieces started screaming at the top of their lungs “IT’S BURNING! IT’S BURNING! AHHHHHHHHHH!” while tears streamed from their eyes and they desperately hopped around the room in obvious pain.

I was startled, wondering for a moment if they were overreacting, but their continued screams quickly disillusioned me. Guilt consumed me, as I rushed them to the bathroom too try to wash the oil off. (I was kindly informed by an essential oil professional just last week that that was the worst thing I could have done, as water would have just pushed it deeper.. somehow, and what I should have used to clean it off was some other kind of oil. Yes, please address all future essential-oil related questions to me, I am an expert.)

For about five long minutes they screamed and cried and I beat myself up (completely figuratively). “What could have gone wrong? I’ve used it before. Do you think it could have gotten more concentrated with age?” I put a little bit on myself and it burned me too. Then I finally read the instructions on the bottle. Who said only men hate reading instructions? They contained two bits of pertinent information: ‘Mix one drop of peppermint oil with five drops of olive oil’ and ‘Keep away from eyes.’

Ah.

I guess I should return my Aunt of the Year award. So brilliant. Who could take two sick, miserable little girls and only make things ten times worse? Would they ever trust me again? Maybe I should graciously bow out of this whole child care thing.

Suddenly I noticed a silence interrupting my self-recrimination. Then the seven year old yelled, “I’m healed! It worked! I don’t feel vomity any more! Praise the Lord!”

It was true. They both bounced back to normal for the day at least. The next day one was feeling sick again. She sidled up to me and with a sparkle n her eye asked, “Could I have some of that peppermint oil again?”

Give me back that Aunt of the Year award.

(Don’t worry, I mixed it with cooking oil the next time we used it, and applied it far away from her eyes.)

Monday, 18 September 2017

Five Good Reasons to Consider Becoming a Patron


1. INFLUENCE THE CULTURE! Who are the change-makers? The more obvious are the Lovers- the ones on the ground level, loving day in and day out, believing in people, persevering in extending mercy, and building a better world with their own two hands. You should either be those people, or support those people. But the other change-makers are the Thinkers, the Dreamers, the Story-Tellers. Who are the writers whose words have touched you, sparked something new in your heart, made you think, made you laugh, and communicated truth? (Hopefully, I'm one of them!)

The world is crying out for truth, and instead we get cheesy one-liners and not-very-inspirational quotes on our Facebook timeline. If these writers (I!) have touched you, they will touch others. Provided they continue writing! Most people stop after a while. Some of the best bloggers and writers I’ve read can’t afford to keep churning out new content because they have other jobs and responsibilities. But what if people who have caught the dream pay them to keep writing? How can you encourage and support them (ME!) to keep writing? By becoming a patron!

2. GET BETTER SATISFACTION FOR YOUR MONEY. I assume that most people who read blogs have an extra $2 or $3 or $5 per month. Or for Indians, an extra ₹100 or ₹200 or ₹300. What do you spend it on? A few snacks? They’re gone in a few moments! And just make you fat and unhealthy! And then you feel bad about yourself. (Yes, I’m junk food shaming. Only because I’m on a junk food fast at the moment.) Instead for the same small amount of money, you could be helping create a few articles of writing that will exist forever, reach the world, and change the culture!

 3. A BRAND FRESH NEW BLOG POST EVERY WEEK IN YOUR INBOX! Every time I’ve found a blog that I love, I wait with joyful anticipation for the next new post. Imagine my disappointment over the years when the bloggers just disappear for months at a time, or just post re-posts, or some random collection of links. WHERE IS THE GREAT WRITING THAT WON ME OVER, WOMAN?!!!! (Yes, they’re usually women.) But you know, maybe they just don’t have enough motivation (apart from, of course, real life jobs and responsibilities). Patrons give a writer a reason to write. Do you know how long it takes to write a real new blog post? Usually two or three hours. Patrons and pledges give a writer a reason to push themselves to create more, instead of just crashing or mindlessly scrolling Facebook after a long day. And the readers are the ones who benefit!

4. PAY YOUR DEBTS. Okay, this is a little bit of a stretch, but hear me out. Most of us are used to consuming art of all kinds without a thought of paying for it. We just EXPECT creative work to be free. That goes along with pirating music and movies. Few people think- ‘SOMEBODY poured their blood, sweat and tears into this creation’. Instead it’s the norm to consider it a right. Or think that being a ‘fan’ of the artist is payment enough. This perspective changes when YOU become an artist. While it’s beautiful that often people who can’t afford to pay for it can still enjoy the beauty of the world for free (like with images available online, or free museums, etc), those who CAN afford to pay for it SHOULD! It’s not a donation, but living into the belief that a ‘a labourer is worthy of his wages’.

5. WIN EXCITING REWARDS! Ah ha! NOW we're talking! What kind of rewards are we talking? Well to start with, hand drawn postcards for everyone who donates $2 or over monthly. What can be more exciting than receiving A POSTCARD?!! IN THE MAIL!! I mean the real live snail mail!! The only thing more exciting has got to be a POSTCARD WITH A SKETCH AND A NOTE FROM ME!! Okay. Maybe I’m projecting? You tell me. What else? For $5 or more a month, you get a blog post based on a topic YOU want me to write about! Whether it’s an agony aunt problem, where I give advice and solve all your love problems or introvert problems or social anxiety problems, or a set of interview questions about my likes, dislikes and annoying habits, or a theological question that you’d like answered in simple, readable language, or a guide to wooing introverts, I'm open!

BONUS REASON: THIS VIDEO!!


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Wednesday, 13 September 2017

The Modern Catholic Girl’s Guide to Dressing


If you had the patience to get through my last, loong post, you’ll know that I have opinions. About modesty. In brief, modesty may not imply what you think it does. And yes, modesty matters.

 But if you were convinced, it’s still hard to figure out what to wear. Especially since we made the point that there IS no list of modesty rules, and modest differs from culture to culture. Even within the same city, you may be a part of several different cultures- your traditionally Maharashtrian college, your liberal, Westernized family, and your mixed crowd of saree and dress wearing parish attendees. So how on earth can you really decide? Here are some guidelines that may help.

1. Is it appropriate? Some things are fairly obvious. You wear different clothes to church and to a party (or you should anyway). You wear different clothes to a job interview and to go on a trek. You wear different clothes for when you’re lazing around alone at home, and when you have guests at home.Yu could wear a swimsuit at a pool, but not at at a coffee shop. Is it appropriate to the particular occasion you are going to? But still, something might seem appropriate, and still not modest. (I think Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman was appropriately dressed, because she was fighting, and her outfit was meant to make that easy to do. You could see it was not in the least meant to be provocative. Of course when she came to London, she had to find more appropriate, but still attractive clothing.)



2. What is your intention is when you choose something to wear? I remember the years when I just knew that if I ‘borrowed’ my sister’s clothes, I would get far more attention at college than when I dressed in my own clothes. If attention is the only reason you are choosing to wear something, then put it away. Most of us are want to be loved, but we settle for attention instead. Most of us struggle with some form of attention-seeking behaviour or another. Don’t let that unhealthy desire control you!

3. Would most people describe your outfit as sexy or beautiful? I know, I know, most people WANT to be called sexy. But think about this, usually the word ‘sexy’ basically implies ‘I want to have sex with you’, or ‘You seem beddable.’ (Sorry for sounding like a badly written historical erotic novel) Is that really the message you want to send to the world at large? It’s a great message to send to your husband, so sexy nightwear when you’re married is ‘appropriate’. But what kind of relationship do you want to have with the rest of the world? Can your clothing help them to see you as a beautiful, lovable PERSON? Not just someone to be lusted after, or used?

4. Does it suit you? Okay, this isn’t about modesty, but a great question to ask if you would like to be attractively dressed. You might argue that attractive has the same connotation as sexy, but I will argue right back that it is possible to be attracted to someone’s beauty without lusting after them. You can find pleasure in someone’s appearance in a pure, holy way that corresponds with their dignity as persons. So back to wearing clothes that suit you. If you have a friend whose dress sense you admore, ask them if a particular item of clothing suits you. If it doesn’t, (and you can afford to), give it away. It’s better to have a smaller wardrobe of clothes that suit you, than a large number of clothes that don’t.

5. Do you need to tug at it to keep it modest? If you’re uncomfortable because your neckline is slipping, and your hem is riding up, you are not going to be able to be at ease, confident, calm and yourself. Just get rid of clothes like that. They’re not worth it.

6. Does it fit into the widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’? Oh, this is hard. The most widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’ may very well not fit at all into my ideas of what modest is. I think sleeveless clothes, and a skirt an inch or two above my knee are still fairly modest. And in some contexts that is true. No one would give my outfit a second glance, no one would struggle to control their thoughts, it would just be an appropriate party outfit at most of my family parties or weddings. However, if I were to wear something like that on streets of most of India, I would definitely draw a great many second glances. This one is particularly hard, because who wants their choices to be dictated by the world at large? ‘Let those judgy aunties have a good gossip! Doesn’t bother me.’ Don’t do it for the judgy aunties. Or even for the men who will lust no matter what you are wearing. Do it for the sake of the men who ARE trying to look at women as sisters, not sex objects. Do it for Christ, who asked us to go the extra mile for the sake of the other. When you’re at church, people of a variety of backgrounds and cultures are present. Deny yourself for their sake. What are we willing to do for Christ? Give up some aspect of our culture for the sake of bringing the Gospel to all? In some ways, if we are representing Christ, we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of modesty. It’s a pain sometimes, but it’s worth it.

7. Do you have a friend also committed to modesty? Humble yourself to ask her when you’re not sure. It’s easy for me to let my own standards slip, but if I’m willing to ask someone, it means I’m willing to open myself to input from the Lord. Be open to the gentle feedback of those who love you and trying to help you walk with the Lord.

8. Does your wardrobe have a few sets of modest, fun, and attractive outfits? Half the battle is making sure you have modest options. Go shopping if you need to, ask for recommendations of places to shop. Most times that I wore immodest clothes in my distant youth, it was because I didn’t have any good options. Find something that can be ‘your style’, ask your more fashionable friends for advice if you’re as lost as I often was. Accessorize! (My sister is laughing as she read this, because I never accessorize, I’m too lazy.) Check out Verily for fashion tips that don't have to be immodest.


9. Have you prayed about it? Pray, discern, and get rid of any clothes that the Lord convicts you to: A modern interpretation of ‘If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.’

10. Do you have a clothes budget? Don’t waste too much money on clothes or shoes: It is possible to slowly build your wardrobe, economically, and with humility if you’re open to second hand clothes (I am! That’s where all my cute clothes come from). Brands aren’t that important. You probably don’t need 20 outfits and 10 pairs of shoes. You can be cute, economical AND generous to the poor!

You may notice I have been careful not to give any specific rules. You have to figure out your own rules. (If you are a part of a community, youth group, college or office, they may have the authority to set out a list of rules or guidelines. You’re signing up for that when you join that group.) But the rest of the time, you’re on your own. Apart from the Lord, I mean.

That said, if you’re interested, here are some of my personal rules (changed a LOT over the past 15 years, stabilized somewhat over the past 7 years) I have some friends whose rules are more traditional than mine, and some less. But these are mine:

• Salwar kameezes or kurtas for any kind of outreach in poorer or more traditional areas
• Shorts only in the house or at the beach, or on private holiday, no short shorts or booty shorts
• Sleeveless at certain types of parties (sweater or shrug in church or on bike on the way to party)
• No cleavage ever (yeah, I know, what cleavage?)
• Skirts or dresses not more than a couple of inches above the knee at certain types of parties or weddings (never anything even close to mid-thigh)
• No strappy or strapless ever
• One piece swimsuit with shorts at pool or beach
• Leggings are not pants :-D
• Skinny jeans as long as they aren’t a very thin material or over emphasize my shape. Usually longer shirts with them.
• No tops that would easily show midriff when reaching up high to praise the Lord :-D

Okay, go forth and figure out your wardrobe!

The Bare Naked Truth about Modesty

I’m hardly the first person to write about this, but it seemed like a good idea to write anyway, because most people assume that anyone who talks or cares about modesty also buys into a bunch of lies or half-truths which can be harmful, degrading and counter-productive. ‘Modesty culture’ was big in certain parts of the Christian world in the US, and some of that (good and bad) has come to India too. Because there is so much extremism, the other temptation is to just throw the concept of modesty out the window, and just say ‘Each to his own’ and ‘You go, girl!’ to everyone, and assume that the way we dress or behave is irrelevant to our faith.

So what is the truth? What is an exaggeration or a lie? What is modest really about?


Modesty is not just about the length of your skirt or the depth of your neckline. ‘Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden…It guides how one looks at others and behaves towards them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.’ CCC 2522 It is so much more than a list of rules about one should or should not wear. It is a freedom from needing to flaunt oneself, sell oneself, or treat anyone else as if they are a commodity or a thing to be used either. It means being unassuming, humble, and free from pretension. Both men and women are called to modesty in behaviour and clothing. It is connected with both purity (of intention and gaze)and humility.


Lack of modesty in dress does NOT imply a girl was ‘asking for it’ when she is attacked or treated badly. This is one of the ugliest and most harmful attitudes when it comes to modesty. It sees men as animals unable to control themselves, their eyes, or their thoughts, and women merely as objects of lust. No matter what a woman is wearing, a man can and should be able to control himself. Men have raped women in burqas, nuns, old women, young children. Girls wearing salwar kameezes have been groped and ‘eve-teased’. Again and again, every time an attack on a woman happens, people will search for some way to victim-blame, instead of focussing on the actual culprit.



Modesty or lack of it is NOT an excuse to judge people. We all do it. It’s that look that passes between two women when they see someone inappropriately dressed. Last year I was volunteering at a church that was also a tourist attraction, and saw many young and old women came in wearing clothes that barely covered their behinds. The first thought I would have was “Wow! WHAT was she thinking?” But then I would try to look beyond that. This particular human being had a body given to her by God, and as such was good! No matter what she was wearing, she had an intrinsic dignity, and was owed respect by me just because she was a child of God. Not to mention, even though her clothing seemed inappropriate, I had absolutely no way of judging or knowing her intention in dressing that way. ‘Maybe that’s just what everyone in her world wears. Maybe she is just testing her wings and trying to look attractive. Maybe she in insecure and is mistaking attention for love. Don’t you remember how YOU used to dress when you were an insecure teenager, Sue?” When people who care about modesty judge people dressed immodestly, they too are guilty of objectifying them.


Girls are NOT in charge of keeping guys pure. No one can force someone else to sin. Sure we can tempt them, make it harder for someone, offer them a drink when they’re trying to stay sober, etc., but they STILL have the power to say no. I have heard guys complain about being tempted by the oddest things. When a girl lies down, her shape is more defined, and it’s tempting. When a girl’s bra strap peeks out, it reminds a guy that she wears a bra, and that’s tempting. If a guy sees a girl wearing nightclothes (no matter how modest), it reminds him that.. I don’t know.. she goes to bed? And beds are where one has sex? Good grief. Women who breastfeed in public might flash a glimpse of breast, and that’s tempting. Really? Women are also human beings who feel uncomfortable, hot, are placed in awkward situations, are tired, and are not constantly using their bodies as a source of attraction or attention.

Men (and women) are capable of training themselves to control their thoughts, eyes and imaginations. Even if all Christians adhered to a standard of modesty that everyone agreed on, the rest of the world is STILL going to continue to wear what they want to wear. There are billboards with half naked models, there are wedding guests with tiny dresses, there are women at the beach in bikinis, there are shirtless men riding bikes in the Philippines (that threw me). Should we all gouge our eyes out? Probably not. Sometimes, we may need to avert them. But the real aim is to look at the opposite sex (and indeed all people) with the eyes of Christ. If we start to see human beings as PERSONS, not objects, as brothers and sisters with human dignity, and precious in the eyes of God, it changes our perspective totally. It may be a long process, but it’s possible. I know men who would treat a prostitute with same respect and dignity as an upstanding church member.


That said, women CAN try to make it a little easier, knowing the temptations of some of our brothers. I WOULDN’T offer a drink to someone who is struggling with addiction. I’d try to hide the snacks from someone who is fasting. I know they are committed to a particular course of action, and I want to help them with that. So just out of Christian charity, women can make an effort to dress in a way that would help men see them as a whole person, not just a collection of parts, or an object of lust. Men can try to do the same- don’t go shirtless when you’re swimming, that can be a struggle for many women (well, unless you have a pot belly. Then no one cares).

Not saying immodest dressing = pornography. But both reduce women to objects.

Modesty matters because the way we dress, and speak, and behave is a way we communicate with the world. We are not alone on an island of our own, but exist within a community. (When a girl is home alone, it is not immodest to wander around half-naked.) Even though we WOULD like to think that the way we dress concerns no one but ourselves, in some way our choices do send a message to society at large. Do we ALWAYS need worry about that? No, not always. People can read messages that are unreasonable and quite a leap (that girl was polite to me so she obviously wants me).

That said, the dress of each culture and setting usually has a meaning- a suit equals ‘This is a formal occasion and I acknowledge that’. Wearing jeans to a wedding could send the message that I don’t care about the importance of the occasion. Wearing a skirt to a date might mean that I would like to take a little trouble to look attractive. (You should hear girls discussing the meaning of clothing before they go out to an unfamiliar social setting or date!) Some clothes shout ‘Hey, I’m sexy! Check me out!’ The question is really- what message DO we want to the world, and how does that line up with my values and faith? (That’s something for my next blog post.)

No universal list of modesty rules exists. Well, that’s not true, they may exist, but they shouldn’t. What is immodest in one culture, may be perfectly normal and un-tempting in another. Americans are shocked by women showing their midriffs with their sarees, and many Indians still consider a glimpse of the knee as practically a mini skirt. In some African tribes, bare breasts are the norm, and no one would give them a second glance, but for most of the rest of the world, women covering their breasts is the one unifying modesty standard. I once watched a video of a young Protestant girl giving a talk about modesty. Almost all the women watching the video were outraged, because she had this black and white interpretation of modesty with very specific rules. It’s easy to make rules, until someone else has rules that are even more restricting than your own list. Most Christian women who are all about modesty would most likely hesitate to adopt the burqa. THEN they may say “Welll, it’s all relative.”

Modesty does not mean covering as much skin as possible. Skin in itself is not some sinful and very private part of your body. The aim is not to hide as much of it as possible. Neither is the aim to make sure no one thinks you’re attractive, because if they think you’re attractive, that MAY lead to a lustful thought. God gave women beauty for a reason, not misuse, but to use. Just as we don’t think men should not work out, in case they use their strength to abuse women, we don’t think beauty should be hidden just because it has the ability to be misused. Someone once told me, “If we’re serious about modesty, we would always wear ankle-length skirts.”


That is a faulty view of modesty, and the human body. The temptation to gluttony shouldn’t stop you from enjoying good food. Women, feel free to dress attractively. (Modesty does not mean only skirts or dresses- there can be immodest skirts and modest pants. But that's a whole 'nother internet argument.) Beauty can transform the world.

In conclusion, if you are very concerned about modesty, check yo’ heart, and don’t allow judgment to creep in. If you haven’t been concerned about modesty at all in the past, re-examine why you dress or behave the way you do, and ask God to shine light into the areas you may not have wanted to think much about in the past.

Next: The Modern Catholic Girl’s Guide to Dressing

Thursday, 7 September 2017

Finding the Right Christian Community for You

So community = important as I extensively argued in my last post. At the same time, it's not that simple to find a community that will really reflect the early Christian community in today's world. Some so-called churches and communities have turned into cults, or have become into social clubs for like-minded people. So what are the principles or guidelines to keep in mind when you're searching for a community?

1. God is the One who will lead you to community. The best reason to do community is because that's what He is calling you to. So pray for guidance and direction. He will direct you.

2. No Christian community is perfect. If you're looking for that perfect community tailor-made to your inclinations, interests and pet peeves, then you may as well give up already. Even a community that seems perfect from a distance has its weaknesses which you will discover very soon after deciding to belong to it. That's because community is made up of weak and fallible human beings with their own blind spots, pet peeves, flashes of wisdom and areas of strength.

But there ARE things you can look out for:

3. A solid foundation on the Word of God (biblical and Catholic). If the leaders are pushing rules or messages or formation that is based on neither the words of Jesus, nor on the teachings of the Church He founded, then that's a danger signal. Communities based on one personality can be very dangerous. It's a common phenomenon in Protestant churches, but Catholic lay communities are not immune. I once heard of a preacher proclaiming that no one should marry before the age of 30, and I was like "Where is THAT in the Bible?"


4. An openness to new and different types of members: This is to avoid becoming an exclusive club, a scandal if we are calling ourselves Christian. Are strangers greeted and welcomed? Are non-English speakers or poorly-dressed people made to feel awkward or uncomfortable? Will someone walk with and guide seekers or random people who stumble in? Will everyone squish a little bit to make room for one more person at the table (figuratively)?



5. Time and money spent on mission and service outside of the community: The typical complaint about lay communities is that they become navel-gazers, self-absorbed, cut off from the outside world. I once spent time with a community that seemed to spend most of their time going on expensive leisure bonding activities, and seemed visibly uncomfortable around the poor. Of course it is important to build relationships within the community and to prioritize formation and discipleship of the members, but if we stop there, we are failing in our call. Plus, I find that when we prioritize service and mission, it strengthens relationships and brings far more growth too.


6. Leaders that you respect. It is hard to submit oneself to a leader that is not trustworthy. Especially when you are opting in to a community, talk to the leaders first. They will not be perfect either. But if they are sincerely committed to Christ, trying to grow in love and holiness, and are well-balanced and mature, then I can trust that even if we have differences of opinion, I could believe that God would work it out. When it comes to Christian community, having leaders that are dynamic, inspirational and charismatic is not as important as having leaders that are Christ-centered, solid, and trustworthy.


7. An openness to feedback: This is one of the danger signs of a cult- when any difference of opinion or disagreement is squashed, discouraged and seen as a threat to the unity of the group. This is very unhealthy. A healthy group or community is one where different perspectives are welcomed and respectfully heard out. Of course a leader does usually have to take a final call on many matters,and there is no way he or she can make everyone happy, but he or she should as far as possible encourage members to take the initiative without being overly controlling or negative. I once went to the leader of my organization with a suggestion. I could see that he was tired, had plenty of other things going on, and my suggestion involved adding something to a very tight schedule. If it was me, my first instinct would have been to say no without thinking too much about it. But he patiently heard me out, and then seemed to stop, pray, and then agreed to change everything up to incorporate my suggestion. Good communities form leaders, not sheep.


8. An atmosphere of encouragement: It is too easy to become about the rules or the programme or the goals. But community is always about people first. And people need to be loved, encouraged and valued. That is everyone's responsibility. But a pervasively negative, scolding, critical or fear-based atmosphere can kill the joy that we're supposed to be living. I love the way all of the Popes of my lifetime have talked to Catholics- it is always a message of hope, not condemnation or fear. It's challenging, but always acknowledges and builds on the potential for good in each person.


Not all of these things may be perfectly in place in every community. But as long as the community is moving in that direction, and striving to grow in these areas, there is hope. And maybe YOU will be the one that helps your community reflect Christ more authentically.

This is not an exhaustive list. What else do you think is important when seeking out or building Christian community?

Wednesday, 6 September 2017

Do Independent Thinkers Need Community?

Recently a friend posted a George Carlin quote:

“I don't like a** kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”

Something struck me as very off with this quote. I engaged in a brief back and forth with my friend about it, but continued to ponder long after the conversation was over.

In a way, I think INTJs and certain other 'lone wolf' type personalities might identify. I grew up in convent school and faced all an INTJ's innate distaste for a creativity-killing, uniformity-lauding, groupthink. I was always ahead of the class, or behind the class, but never with the class. I was either sneakily reading storybooks on my lap (now that I’ve worked as a teacher I realize my teachers probably knew all along so maybe not as sneakily as I thought), sketching pictures in my textbooks (my gift to my younger sister who had to use my textbooks after me), or making lists… of anything and everything. Yes, I’m odd. But that was the point. I did not thrive in an environment where I was one of a crowd, where individuality was not valued, and outward discipline was the keyword upon which our lives seemed to be based.


In India, we have had our originality and individuality squashed and discouraged so many times, that sometimes we don’t know what to do if no one is telling us what to do. I was lucky to have a family that did prize and encourage creativity, and didn’t tell us what do with our free time, so at a young age I was organizing summer clubs, neighbourhood fetes, treasure hunts, and surprise sibling fancy dress show for my parents, writing stories, coming up with ideas and plans for every available unstructured moment. But many Indian kids don’t have that. I know, because as a teacher, it has often been hard for me to elicit one original thought from my students. It takes a while to draw that out, and sometimes I wonder if it’s too late. Kids can’t even draw a picture without asking if their colours are ‘correct’ and copying from the ‘class artist’.

All that to say, maybe our upbringing has conditioned us to either feel more comfortable in a group, where someone else thinks for us, and we never voice dissent, or to be very uncomfortable in a group, because our only experience of groups has been of losing our identity and individuality within it. So either we blindly choose loyalty to a party, community, group, religion, or movement, or we choose to react as George Carlin did, and see all groups as automatically suspect, dishonest, untrustworthy, and in some way opposed to our own freedom and creativity. I think this especially happens when one has had a bad experience with a group as an adult. It seems safer to be your own person, and not set down roots anywhere.

This begins to feel like an INTJ's motto.

But, things are different for the INTJ Christian! We have bought into not a group, but a Person- Jesus Christ. We have examined the claims of Christianity, found them to be true, but we haven’t stopped there (hopefully). We have fallen in love with a Living God. We have come to know Him through prayer, through reading the bible, through the beauty and consistency of His teachings, and through the witness of the saints who have loved Him, and made Him visible in the world. Most of us are well aware that the visible, structural Church has a lot of room to grow, that many of its members have given (and still give) a counter-witness (some through heinous and ugly crimes), and that we can’t defend every aspect of the Church on earth with integrity (any experience of working with your local parish will bring these truths home).

So INTJ Christians sometimes deals with these problems by living an isolated Christian life. They take to heart George Carlin’s advice, and become cynical, individualistic, ‘free’ Christians. It’s either ‘me and my bible’ or ‘me and my sacraments’. Everything else in the Church is too messy.

On the face of it, that seems like an unfettered life. No human drama, confrontations, weak and fallible leaders, mistakes and relationship problems? The INTJ says ‘Yes, please!’ When I’m on my own, I have more time and energy to create, to do good deeds, to go places, and do things, to meet goals, to educate myself and to have adventures.


But here’s the thing: if we are really Christians, we have to move beyond our inclinations and even personalities, and ask the million dollar question: “What was God’s plan for His followers here on earth?” And it is pretty obvious as soon as we turn to Acts 2 that it was never a virtual community of individualists who do their own thing, have good will toward each other in a distant way, and meet each other in Heaven after leading long, good and innovative lives.

God’s plan was messier, but far more beautiful. He called us to live with and love real human beings in close relationships, to be of one heart and mind, and by learning to bear with one another’s weaknesses, become truly conformed to and united with Him. If love is the keyword and basis of our life in Christ, then isolation isn’t an option. Love isn’t random acts of kindness. Love doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Love happens in the midst of messy and close human relationships. If the INTJ prizes innovation, creative thinking, efficiency, and independence, the INTJ Christian places above those things love and vulnerability. It’s not about what we can achieve, but about who we can become together. But it isn’t easy, and it isn’t a short-term project. I read a beautiful reflection on this topic: Community 101.

Community will require everything from you. You will have to sacrifice your time, energy and money. You will not be able to hide in your home whenever you want, if you are serious about community. You will discover and be confronted with your ghosts, skeletons, and hurts as well as discover your potential, gifts, call and vocation. You will not be able to live as you wish for you will have to learn what real freedom is. You will have to confront every aspect of your life in the light of the Gospel. No one will control you, no one will force you, no one will demand anything from you. But you will be compelled, for the love of Christ, to revolutionize your ideas about life, reorder your priorities, and you will have to die many deaths to enter into communion with God and others and sustain those relationships, not run from them each time you want. 

You cannot build a community without living in close approximation. Community has many aspects of family life. You do not choose your family members, you live with them. Especially those you naturally initially dislike will be the instruments of chiselling of your heart and character. You will also find people who will enormously inspire you, draw you closer to God, you will discover depths of human interactions that you thought are not possible. You will go beyond formal, surface and weekend relationships, and you will see, sooner or later, the beautiful and the ugly of most of your community members. And you will understand that we need each other to start living on earth as in heaven now. [Read the whole thing here.]

So much yes! I know these things are true because I have lived and served in Christian communities and households for many years. Even though a large part of me shrinks from it, and desires the peace of solitude, it is within the painful and humbling relationships that I’ve had to work on that I’ve really begun to change and grow and mature. It is within community that I discovered exactly how sinful and weak I am. It’s easy to believe that we are basically good, kind, humble and selfless people, till we live with other people, and then we find, oh wait, I’m actually bad-tempered, proud, lazy and selfish. And people still choose to love me! It is in the unconditional love of human beings who know our worst and our best that we truly come to know the mercy and unconditional love of God. And it is in loving unconditionally those who let us down that we become 'little Christs'.


God has so much more for us than a shallow or merely intellectual understanding of who He is. But he chooses to disciple us, form us, convict us and humble us through His Body, the Church- the community of believers. Most Catholics have never had that experience, and that may be part of the reason why so many Catholics are still not disciples. We’re willing to go to retreats, maybe daily Mass, healing services, and read spiritual books, but we don’t want the inconvenience of regular Christian community.

So yes, independent thinkers need community too*. We my achieve more and create more on our own (we may not though), but we will never learn the far more important lessons of love and mercy on our own. We may go farther on your own, but we will never go deeper.

*There are certain conditions though, and it takes discernment to find a trustworthy community that can truly help one grow. Cults and unhealthy groups and organizations often exist within the wider church too, and God isn’t asking us to shut off our brain when we join a community. But that’s another blog post.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

An INTJ's Guide to Praise and Worship

As an INTJ who grew up in the Charismatic Renewal, I have faced and battled with many of the natural clashes of this personality with a very demonstrative and uninhibited style of prayer. My theory is that 'T' (thinking) type personalities gravitate more towards more structured, less demonstrative and intellectual forms of prayer like Adoration, the Rosary, Lectio Divina (reflect and share about bible passages.. yes, please!), etc, and 'F' (feeling) type personalities gravitate towards more ‘touchy-feely’ forms of prayer- praise and worship, raising hands, holding hands at the Our Father, any kind of feel good music, etc. But I think 'T's sometimes need to learn how to let go of control a little, and 'F's need to build their faith on a more solid rock than their emotions that can easily be swayed. Anyway all that is to bring you back to how I as an INTJ have survived (and sometimes thrived) in what seems like an odd style of prayer. So here I am to answer your INTJ questions that deafeningly and irresistibly pop up just as you are right in the middle of a hymn at a prayer meeting.

INTJ: Wait.. what exactly does it mean to 'GIVE God glory and honour, magnify him' etc etc? How on earth can I 'lift God up' if He is already pretty much the most powerful being that exists? I exalt Him? What?

INTJ Guru: Great question! You CAN'T actually make God bigger than He already is. Even though it sounds like that it what you are saying, that's not actually what the words are pointing to. What you ARE called to do, is look at Him, acknowledge Who He is, in all His goodness and beauty, and allow Him to be magnified in your own soul, and thus in the world. It’s like opening the windows, and letting the beauty and awesomeness of a gorgeous sunshiny day into your home. It was there all along, it just wasn’t in your home yet.

INTJ: But what exactly is the point of all this worshipping? Wouldn’t it be better to just go out and do some good deeds? I know- I’m ‘made to worship God’. But isn’t that a little narcissistic on God’s part?

INTJ Guru: If God is really Love, and love is all about willing the good of the other, then there has to be a better explanation for God’s call for us to worship Him. God is always about doing what’s good for US. So how on earth can praise or worship be good for us? It’s simple- praise and worship frees us from our OWN narcissistic navel-gazing, from being imprisoned in the cell of our own ego, and frees us to see ourselves and God as we REALLY are. It’s a chance to get some perspective. Like dragging your kids away from their social media, and inviting them to take a look at the star-filled night sky, or the view from the top of a mountain. God knows how shallow and self-obsessed we are, and He says, “Look at Me, get a glimpse of the universe at it really is, and you will know who you really are.”

INTJ: That’s great, but a lot of the time I’m expected to sing songs and speak praises when I feel nothing at all. Why speak words of love when I feel no love? It reeks of hypocrisy.

INTJ Guru: Ah ha! You of all people, O INTJ should know that love is not a feeling but a choice. Praise is an act, not a feeling. Worship is a choice to give oneself regardless of what one is feeling in the moment. As C.S. Lewis said, “Faith is the art of holding on to the things your reason has accepted in spite of your changing moods.”And that right there is the secret to entering into true praise and worship.

INTJ: Okay, okay. But seriously, some of the songs the PnW leader chooses are truly cringe-worthy. They lack any value, doctrinal or aesthetic. Some seem childish and shallow. Every fibre in me screams “No! I can’t do this!”

INTJ Guru: O INTJ, I truly sympathize. Our minds and hearts and will are not disconnected. One affects the other. I have a couple of suggestions. One is, you could gently suggest a couple of solid and truly reverent and holy worship songs to your music leader. Share how they bless you and draw you to a more meaningful act of surrender.


However, you are still most likely going to be stuck in situations where you can’t do anything about it. In those cases, dear INTJ, as ridiculous as it may seem to other personality types, THAT is the cross God is asking you to embrace. You can offer to Him even your cringes, and choose to believe that nothing offered to God is wasted. Most likely, He is doing one of those cool-but-painful sanctifying things that He does. Although, if it's heretical, you're allowed to just not join in for that part of the song. But cheesy you can do.

INTJ: What about the whole hand raising expectation? Is there some guide to that? The deeper the emotion, the higher the arms? There seems to be an unspoken rule that at certain parts of certain songs everyone raises their arms. What about when the prayer leader demands that everyone raise their hands, or shout ‘Alleluia’, or clap, or some such thing?


INTJ Guru: I prefer to avoid the kind of prayer meetings or groups that are too directional about such things. Maybe it works for some people. But not you and me, O INTJ. When in doubt, remember that you are free. You don’t HAVE to do what everybody is doing. The safest thing is to close your eyes, and just do what you feel God is asking you to do in the moment. Raising your arms can help express an inner act of openness or surrender. Again, our body, mind and spirit are connected. So don’t dismiss outward forms of prayer.


INTJ: What about the whole ‘free praise’ thing? My eyes are semi-shut, and I mumble along while I hear people say things like ‘Mighty God! Holy One! King of Kings and Lord of Lords! All glory belongs to You! You are the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End!’What even?!!! Do they memorize a list of acceptable things to say? Those words and phrases feel so meaningless to me. Do I go on a bathroom break during these times, or hope that no one can hear clearly that my free praise goes something like ‘God, Ihavenoideawhattosaysopleasegetmethroughthis…’?

INTJ Guru: It might be more helpful to pick a few phrases that you DO identify with, ways that YOU have experienced God, and say those aloud instead. As you grow and experience God in new ways, you can add more ways to the list. For example, ‘You are beautiful, and all that is beautiful comes from Your heart. You are slow to anger and full of mercy. Your love is so precious to me. How good and patient You are. I love you so much. I praise You. I trust You. I believe in You. You are more than enough for me.’ It doesn’t have to be fancy or complicated or what anyone else is saying. You don’t have to shout. But again, speaking those words aloud is a way of internalizing and solidifying the truth that your mind has accepted. It’s also a way to let go of the control and image of control we cling to so tightly. Yes indeed, O INTJ, as a man or woman of faith, you do indeed have to be willing to look and sound just a little stupid.


INTJ: You are throwing the word ‘worship’ around a little too easily. I’m Catholic. Isn’t Mass the best and truest form of worship? In fact, isn’t Jesus the only one who can offer acceptable worship to the Father?

INTJ Guru: Welcome to the Catholic Church, my friend, the Church of ‘Both.., and.’ Worship can be offered both inside and outside of the celebration of the Eucharist. The Eucharist is the ‘culmination of the men offer to Christ and through Him to the Father in the Holy Spirit’. (CCC 1325) That means we can praise Him, give ourselves to Him in spirit and in truth, with song and vocal praise, in tongues and with arms raised, and all of that is brought to its culmination in the Eucharist, when Jesus accepts what we offer, joins it to His sacrifice on the Cross and offers it to the Father. The only problem would be if we replaced the Mass with what’s commonly known as ‘praise and worship’, or if we just went to Mass as an obligation and considered prayer meetings to be our only true worship. That would be misguided and counter-productive.

INTJ: Thanks, INTJ Guru. One more- How does one ‘climb this mountain with one’s hands wide open’? I have climbed mountains, and I need my hands to grab at rocks and bushes and haul myself up. Climbing a mountain with my hands wide open? (Also, they mean arms, right?) Sounds like a physical impossibility to me. And don’t tell me to ‘lean not on my own understanding’.

INTJ Guru: There are two possibilities. One is- yes, it’s impossible… but not for God. So the very seeming impossibility and helplessness is what you are called to reflect on. Not an adequate answer you say? Then do what I do- picture yourself climbing a mountain, arms stretched out, and God grabbing your hand, and guiding you up. I have had some pleasant experiences of chivalrous men helping me climb mountains, and it usually involved some amount of hand-holding. Mountain climbing can be sweaty, exhausting, thirsty, and scary work. You can reach halfway up and then your shaky legs collapse and you decide you want to die. Now picture our big, awesome God grabbing you by the hand and hauling you up, and you pretty much have a good picture of my faith life.

INTJ: Okay, so visuals and analogies help. One last question. I don't HAVE to sing ‘they will dance for joy like we are dancing now’ if no one is actually dancing, right?

INTJ Guru: No, you don’t. You can compromise by humming along. You could sway and shift feet and sing it, but then you kind of hope that when the world has seen the light, they would be dancing slightly more energetically and dramatically and a lot less awkwardly. So maybe just don’t.

Now go forth and worship!